Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
