Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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