my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
