Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
