I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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