My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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