I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
