i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
