remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
