you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
