i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
