Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Im part way to drunk.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
