You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
