That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
