remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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