There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
