She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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