Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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