Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
