then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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