remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
