Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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