If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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