I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
