it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
