apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My vagina just clenched in fear
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
