i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
