Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
