Define "chronic" masturbator.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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