I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
