yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
