If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
