i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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