I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
