operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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