There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
