Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
