every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
