it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This is my gift to your gina
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
