My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
