Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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