would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
