So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
