Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
