Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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