Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
