Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
