Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
