Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
