im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
