I'm laying in your front yard are you home
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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