I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
whose parrot is this?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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